Here we are. We have reached to top, the Crown Chakra, the higher vibration of self. I chose to stay on my Crown Chakra for two and a half months. I wanted to assimilate all of what I had learned, opened to, and cleared since I started at my Foot Chakra last August. In other words, I did not want to miss anything. The spirit animal at my Crown Chakra is a friendly beluga whale named, Boo.  

When sitting down to write with Boo, I wanted to categorize the lessons I had learned over the past two and a half months. As I was categorizing them, I realized, they truly all fit under one category: self-love. So, does this mean, after a year of self-exploration, countless gifts, huge shifts, and miracles, all I could write about was self-love? Let me specify, I am not talking about the mastery of self-love… I am focusing on the area in which I still need to most grow/learn/evolve/ace. Is the sole fact that I chose to write about my highlighted “flaw” a testament to the idea that I do not fully love myself? Hear me out, and then we can decide together...

I have a bit of shame associated with my relationship to self-love. In fact, until I began asking my friends about their relationships with themselves, I almost believed there was something broken in *only* me, or that I was having *too* hard of a time with this concept. Once I found the courage to talk about my non-mastery of self-love, I learned that I was not alone…

As we were comparing self-love stories over text message the other night, my friend put my/our journey very eloquently, “Self-love is such a tricky bitch.” Today, while another friend and I we were swimming in the ocean and talking about self-love, she also had a pretty spot-on insight; “It’s definitely more than speaking nicely to yourself and taking rose-petal-filled baths.” She is right, there is more to it, but what is it? What is it about this tricky little bitch that can be so layered?

Those of you who have done your homework and know that the Crown Chakra is about selflessness may be wondering why I am making the subject of my reflection about the self/the “I”. I am doing this for two reasons: 1. Part of what Boo has taught me is that if you do not fully, 100% love yourself, you will not fully, 100% trust in Spirit. And, 2. Because we are all One, each and every struggle of the “I” is connected to the whole. Yes, things just got deep.

1. If self-love is more than speaking nicely to yourself and taking rose-petal-filled baths, then what is it? I have been on my “spiritual journey” since 2012 and have come leaps and bounds in terms of the way I love myself, the way that I look at the world, and the way in which I make decisions in life and I want to take a moment (right __ there) to honor this. I have evolved my life in a far more loving way and made conscious efforts and pilgrimage (reference Heart Chakra Reflection) to heal my heart and past. I continually do loving things for myself through stretching, healthy meals, quiet time, and so on, but I *know* I am not 100% in love with Brennan, and here is how I know…

Check your motives: I know that I am not 100% in love with Brennan because when I look at my motives, I find that many times self-defeating patterns sneak their way into my routine such as a) worrying about what other people think of me and b) comparing myself to others. A self-loving, empowered woman would be so busy living a full life, she would not have concern/time/tolerance for a) and/or b) and Boo helped remind me to check my motives this summer and reflect.

One of the gifts I received while working with my animals the first time around was identifying a blocked feeling at each chakra and being given a new term or feeling with which to replace it. For example, at my Third Eye Chakra, I was feeling fear of the unknown and my term/feeling I was given to replace it with was trust. Each time fear came up, I put trust in its place. When I arrived at my Crown Chakra, guilt was the blocked emotion and I was given “purity” to stand in its place. I was having guilt looking backwards at my life feeling as though I could have been a better daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, student, friend, girlfriend, boss, leader, employee, athlete, human… I had deep guilt over things that had passed but were *still* eating away at me inside. Does this sound like a self-loving mind pattern? Absolutely not. Boo gave me purity to wash all of that away and bring light. Imagine a white light coming down from your Crown Chakra and moving through your entire body and each crevice of your busy mind, and when it stops moving, you are clear. Amazing. But, if you are not a self-love master and are not always moving forward (and it does not help if you were raised Catholic), guilt resurfaces. So, how do we break these patterns for good?

When recently working with Boo, I awakened a pretty incredible gift--the gift of automatic writing. I want to note that it just happened, I did not ask for it. This transformed my journaling processes and I am so grateful. If you look into my Crown Chakra workbook, you will find zero entries from after the moment I discovered this ability. However, if you take a peek in my journal (and you could, because it does not have a lock and key like the journals from my younger years :), you will find pages upon pages of writing. My automatic writing consists of me being in a quiet space, going into an almost meditative state by invoking my higher (Crown Chakra)- self and writing down questions I have for Spirit. As I ask, I am given answers, guidance, and it is effortless. Do I always want to hear the message? Is it always the answer I want? Certainly not. But, I know when it is a clear message, which is an incredible tool to be given.

Sometimes my automatic writing journal entries start with a question and end with homework. One homework assignment (that took about eight questions and answers to get to) was to “BE RECKLESS” with my heart. I was told that I was putting too much energy into keeping my walls up and playing it safe and it was time to be reckless. Being reckless includes *not* caring about what others think, not comparing yourself to others, and letting go of guilt. It also includes jumping in, with both feet. I am glad this homework assignment came during the time I was working with my Crown Chakra animal who protects in all realms! A message I received from Boo when first learning about him was that his blubber is a protective power and I can, at any time, imagine being surrounded by his magical blubber. I must have some of this self-love stuff down because I do feel great in a blubber suit ;)

I will briefly extract the most beautiful pieces of advice/snippets of wisdom/realizations from the incredible amount of writing I did during the past couple of months. If you missed my Third Eye Chakra Reflection, then you may not know that I have been a bit scared recently. All areas of my life feel extremely sweet at this place in my life...except for one. What I have learned to be true for me is that if one area of my life is out of balance, it does not matter if the others are in perfect alignment, because I will take a magnifying glass to the spot that does not feel good. Currently, despite the gifts, miracles, and the fact that I actually have recently had life-long dreams come true, I am sick to my stomach because I just started my life over in a new place and I do not know if I am going to be able to pay my bills. I am scared and this has been a big topic in my journal. Boo and Spirit have taught me that no matter how horrified I am, it is important to take time out from each day to daydream. They also taught me that money is transient, it is just paper, or an electronic wave on a computer screen, it comes and it goes and even if you have HEAPS of it, that can change in a blink. There is no such thing as guaranteed financial security. Therefore, I have been sure to give that $ to the homeless person on the corner, or toss money into the tip jars despite my personal fears because money comes and goes, but karma is here to stay. These small transactions are small indicators that I trust in the flow of the Universe and, in turn, that I trust in myself.

On the same token… my automatic writing has confirmed the idea that I have fear around money. My automatic writing has also confirmed the concept of my lack of prosperity most likely being linked to my lack of trust in the Universe, which can circle back to my lack of love for Brennan. Here I am. I am in a place I love living, I am eating food that makes me feel good, I am exercising my body, I am WORKING HANDS ON WITH AN ENDANGERED SPECIES! I have time and space for writing and taking really excellent care to nurture my most important friendship, with my Chesapeake Bay Retriever. My beliefs tell me that when you are happy and living your purpose, the money and work appears. My self-doubting ego says, “That is too good to be true.” Part of what the whale symbolizes is singing your own whale song. Another incredible gift I received while working with Boo was seeing, feeling, and knowing my whale song. I have received several messages about what I am meant to be doing with my life, why I am here, and I am clear about what I want. My daydreams are vivid and awesome, but… I have a pitted feeling in my stomach because there is part of me who doubts being able to live out my daydreams. “Is that real life? Maybe for others, but for me?” I wonder. Let us circle back to the initial question of “If there is more to self-love, then what is it?” I do not know. But I have an idea! A lack of self-love is largely related to looking backwards, what we have been told about ourselves, what we have said about ourselves, and the less-than-empowering conditioning a lot of us received for the majority of our lives. Perhaps, even if we have let go of past experiences, we must still train our brain in the new ways to think and believe. How is this done? I do not know. But I am determined to find out. We have plenty of time in this life to live out our purpose but we get lost by looking backwards. I want to look forward with trust and love. I want to be more reckless.

2. I spent a lot of time over the past two and a half months looking up into the sky. Florida, my new home, has had some amazing lightning storms and cloud formations that look like they came out of a storybook. There has also been some neat planetary “stuff” going on so I was able to see Venus and Jupiter and, the other night, my dog and I went to the beach to watch a meteor shower. While looking up at the sky, I could not help but to reflect on how small I am and how insignificant my challenges are to the whole, and, yet, how I am connected to it all. It can be refreshing to remind yourself how small you are. It can also be refreshing to remind yourself how you are an integral part in the movement of the whole. This is inspiring when I am feeling scared and like I am missing the self-love gene because knowing that I am connected to all beings, inspires me to continue forward on my exploration and mission and perhaps play a big/small role in unlocking the secrets of self-love for the experience of many. If how we treat ourselves is a reflection of how we treat the planet, then it is supremely important to look at myself in the mirror, say “I love you” and mean it as much as I do when I say it to any of the animals I live to care for, it is supremely important for me to look forward and not backwards, and it is supremely important for me to follow *my* whale song.

“Is the sole fact that I chose to write about my highlighted “flaw” a testament to the idea that I do not fully love myself?” I still do not know the answer to this question. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I want to love myself enough that I am okay solely being a tiny, small speck in the Universe. And, paradoxically love myself enough that I am okay with being a big force who can move mountains if she is meant to.